


May You Live (And Die) A Valorous Life

by quitemagicaph



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: And He Sacrifices Himself, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Divergence, Death, Fix-It of Sorts, Goodbyes, I Just Created A Stevetony Alternate Ending Okay, Internal Monologue, Lots of it, M/M, Only For Steve's Arc Kinda, So Steve Rogers Is A Mess, Tears, Tony Stark Has A Heart, spoiler warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-16 17:00:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18695632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quitemagicaph/pseuds/quitemagicaph
Summary: Tony snapped his fingers.And one by one, Thanos' army disappeared, in a wind full of ash. There were hundreds, thousands of them. And they all turned to dust, much alike to what had happened in Thanos' godly frenzy five years ago.It played like a movie in to Steve's eyes. One he couldn't really watch, though, because there was only one thing he could focus on, and that was Tony.He was killing himself.Tony was killing himself so the universe could live.(Or; Steve's goodbye to Tony.)





	May You Live (And Die) A Valorous Life

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah you probably shouldn't read this if you haven't watched Endgame first.
> 
> But when I was watching Endgame and specifically THIS scene, in between my sobs I kinda wished Steve would had said his own goodbye to Tony? Just so I could make sure that my own death would be final and irreversible. But I knew they wouldn't do it, so here's where I step in.
> 
> I hope I did them justice, tbh. I never thought I'd write for them because I didn't consider myself capable enough but I needed this closure.
> 
> (I'm sorry in advance.)
> 
> My biggest amount of love to [Nasia](https://twitter.com/heiinez) for beta reading and helping me in general. She's the best, but we knew that already.
> 
> Also the title is inspired by Sleeping At Last's In The Embers, and I suggest you listen to it while reading for extra pain and extra sadness.

The last few minutes of the battle went by in a whirlwind. Everyone’s exhaustion was starting to show, and the team was surrounded by dead aliens and bodies that lost their lives too soon.

And when Thanos wielded the makeshift gauntlet for the second time in five years, or five seconds, like it seemed for those who turned to dust after the first snap, Steve’s knees were no longer able to hold his bodyweight. He collapsed, and in his head he was counting down.

_Ten, nine, eight..._

He did it again. He got the stones.

The Avengers were clever, and somewhat fast to recover when striked by loss, but Thanos was somehow always three steps ahead of them. And now they were seconds away from another snap.

_Seven, six, five…_

Steve looked around him, to his fearful teammates. He knew they were all counting down, too. Somewhere in the distance, Sam looked back at Steve, full of desperation, and shook his head.

_We did all we could._

_Four, three…_

Steve’s eyes couldn’t find Tony. And maybe that was for the better.

_Two, one…_

Thanos snapped his fingers.

And all sound turned to high-pitched buzzing in Steve’s ears.

Still looking around, he spotted the kid, Peter, somewhere behind him, blinking at his hands, expecting them to turn to ash again.

Except they never did.

Huh.

 _Maybe it's now turn for the other half of the universe,_ Steve thought to himself.

But he was still standing, he was still him, flesh and bones and all. It was almost like the snap didn’t work this time.

Even Thanos was confused by this interesting revelation, staring at his gauntlet-adorn hand in question.

It took him, and everyone around, a couple of seconds to realize the gauntlet had no stones on it.

A breath hitched in Steve’s throat.

_What the hell?_

But then Thanos turned to look behind him, and all eyes followed.

It was as if Steve sensed that something bad had just happened. His gut sunk immediately.

Then he noticed Tony, wearing the real gauntlet, and the world stopped moving.

Steve was unable to register the scene going down in front of him. His vision was blurred, his hearing was muted, his touch was numbing more and more by the second.

_No._

Thanos had said he was inevitable. That no matter what, the Avengers kept coming back to him.

But now it was Tony's turn for a one-liner, and Steve could hear his words, but not register them.

_And I am Iron Man._

Steve tried moving. He couldn't. It was like a horrible nightmare coming to life, the one where you can't move because someone has glued your feet to the ground, and you can't scream, because your throat feels too tight.

And Tony Stark snapping his fingers knowing very well about the effects the infinity stones will have on his body was the worst nightmare of all.

He didn't even hesitate. He didn't even spare it a second thought. He didn't even let Steve react properly, because it was all over, in the few seconds Steve kept telling his body to get it together.

He just snapped his fingers.

And one by one, Thanos' army disappeared, in a wind full of ash. There were hundreds, thousands of them. And they all turned to dust, much alike to what had happened in Thanos' godly frenzy five years ago.

It played like a movie in to Steve's eyes. One he couldn't really watch, though, because there was only one thing he could focus on, and that was Tony.

He was killing himself.

Tony was killing himself so the universe could live.

Soon enough, Thanos was dust, too. One could think someone as strong as him, that could wield all six infinity stones with ease, wouldn't be affected if the gauntlet was used on him, but after a few seconds, it was like Thanos never existed.

With just a snap of Tony's fingers, he was in the past.

The wrath he brought, though? That would stay. Especially since Thanos apparently resulted in losing Tony.

Steve watched as Rhodey kneeled beside Tony's weak body.

He watched as Peter tried to bring him back to conscience with his words and reassurances.

_They won, Tony, they did it._

He was just a kid. Shouldn't had been involved in the first place. Shouldn't suffer so much loss.

Just a kid.

_It isn't fair._

Steve watched as Pepper, lastly, approached him. As Tony managed out a weak "Pep". As she promised him they'd be okay without him.

_It’s okay, he can finally rest. It’s okay._

It wasn’t okay. Not really.

Steve watched all that go down. Yet he couldn't react.

Tony had mentioned something Stephen Strange had told him, way back, when they’d faced Thanos on Titan. That there wasn't but one possible scenario in which the Avengers won against Thanos.

14 million different ways that this battle could had gone down, and yet only one the winner.

 _It can't be this one_ , Steve thought.

Winning shouldn't cost them Tony’s life.

Steve refused to believe it. He refused to accept it. Because if Tony... passed, then what?

How was this considered a win?

With a last surge of adrenaline, Steve ran towards where Tony lay. In his heart secretly wished it was all a dream. Steve would approach Tony, and sure, he looked weak, and worn off, as if life gave up on him, but something would happen at the very last minute and bring him back.

Like it had happened in downtown New York, all these years ago. They saw Tony lead that nuke in outer space, and then the next second he was tearing the sky in half as he fell.

They all thought he died in his effort to save New York.

But he lived. Because he’s Tony, and he always lives.

He had to live now, too.

If Tony had one reason to live back then, then he had twenty more to do so now. He had a family. He had a daughter. And if Steve knew him at all, he knew Tony would hate his daughter growing old without him there to watch it happen. It would seem all too familiar to Tony, himself having grown up with only the ghost of a father there to his need.

On the other hand, Steve should had known better.

Of course Tony would do it.

Of course he would give away the life he rightfully earned like it didn't matter. Sure, one life can be expendable for the sake of the entire universe, but that's not how the Avengers work. And that life shouldn't be Tony's.

How to say goodbye?

Steve couldn't do it. All words died in his chest.

Because, whether true or not, here they both were, with years worth of untold words, and they had no time.

Bold of Steve to think that. Over a hundred years old, having lived through so much, and yet for once in his life he felt like he needed time.

Or like the time he had should rewind, so he could start it all from scratch.

Steve had to say goodbye. He just didn’t know how. Tony dying was odd, and weird, and _not fair_ , but if Steve didn’t try to mend whatever left of them not mended, for Tony’s last moments, he would never be able to excuse it from himself.

It wasn’t like his goodbye would hold any significant, or sentimental meaning, like Peter’s or Pepper’s did, but Steve liked the thought of his goodbye being important in its own way.

That is, if words would just _professed themselves._

Steve took one look at Tony. He kneeled down, so he could be at his height. He wondered how in the world Tony was still breathing. It physically pained Steve to see him like that.

With the little will Tony still had in him, he fixed his eyes on Steve’s. And Steve’s heart begged him to look away, _the pain is too much, it isn’t fair_ , but he couldn’t.

The stare they held in that exact moment held more meaning and felt more intimate than anything either of them dared admit about each other in the ten years they were in this mess.

Looking at them, right then and there, you would see regret. In its purest form. Because they kept losing each other. Time hadn’t been aligning for them the way it should had. And it's tragic, really, because the one time after Siberia that they managed to make peace and put everything that went south between them, ended like this.

With one of them at the brink of death.

With _Tony_ at the brink of death.

When it was time for him to speak, all that came out was an apology.

"I wasn't here," he said.

Tears started pooling in his eyes, and his vision blurred worse. He tried to get rid of them.

He had to keep it together, for Tony’s sake. For the team’s, too.

"I wasn't here," he repeated. "But now i am. And we won, Tony.”

_Tony._

The name felt intimate in his tongue.

“I know I'd said that we'd be together even if we lost, but we were together now, and we won. We can't lose when we together and I should had figured that out sooner."

Wasn’t it crazy? Losing was never the case with them two in the same team. They worked that well together. Completed one another, in ways few others could.

"That rematch with Thanos should had never happened. You see, we should had won from the start. Had we been together, we would had won,” Steve knew that for a fact.

He felt like he couldn’t breathe. His lungs refused to work.

“But that's not how things went," Steve said, lastly.

_And no journey in time can change that._

Steve momentarily wondered if there was an alternate universe in which he tells Tony about his parents sooner. He wondered if, in that universe, something else comes along and divides them nonetheless.

But it was fruitless to do that. Because this was the reality they were in. And it had Tony barely still alive.

_So helpless._

It seemed impossible to Steve, how a man so strong and brave could look like he's holding on to life with just a single thread.

Steve would swear that if only one man were to use the gauntlet and live, it would be him.

Because he was no ordinary man. He was Tony Stark.

He was Iron Man.

And he was _dying_ , for Christ’s sake.

"I'm so sorry, Tony."

Steve winced. "Sorry won't cut it, you said so yourself. But i am."

_And if I could undo the past, I would._

He didn’t dare saying that. His throat felt too thick. And it was no use letting Tony know that.

What he had to know, though, was that _it wasn’t fair._

“It shouldn’t had been you, Tony. You should had stopped to think, before acting.”

_You should had given the gauntlet to me._

Steve would die a thousand times if it were for Tony to live. He asked himself whether it was stupid of him to think that, but he rid himself of that thought.

No point lying blatantly to himself anymore. He’d done that way too much, when it came to Tony, and it got him this far.

Steve was suddenly aware of everyone's eyes on him. What was once a war-torn scenery that surrounded them, had fallen dead silent seeing Tony fall. Hell, it was as though everyone in the vastness of the universe they existed in, was holding their breath.

It would make sense if they were.

"But now it’s over,” Steve said, sighing. His voice was barely audible anymore. “We did it.”

_You did it._

"I hope you find peace now, Tony.”

_I hope your nightmares are defeated. They've tortured you for far too long._

Steve didn’t know if it was obvious, by his choice of words, that he meant far more than he said. He wished Tony was still conscious enough to understand.

Even if he did manage to speak the volumes his brain was coming up with, it wouldn’t be enough.

It was right for Steve to die way before Tony did. He was nowhere near prepared for the situation unraveling in front of him.

_It isn’t fair, it isn’t fair, it isn’t fair._

Tony's hand twitched.

Was that a thin effort to move? Steve didn't know. He just covered it with his, and it was cold, so cold, it almost killed Steve too.

"We will remember you, okay? And wherever you go after here, I hope you’re aware of the magnitude of lives you saved on this day. You will always be honored.”

Steve just _wished_ Tony didn't have to die to be honored. And he wished it wasn't Tony dying.

Tony sacrificed himself for a universe that was ever so _unfair_ , so cruel. For a universe that didn't deserve his person, neither then, nor in the future.

He squeezed Tony's hand. He felt the ghost of a movement reacting to it.

"You did good, Tony," he whispered, and his voice broke. He deemed it okay to let himself finally cry, as he squeezed and squeezed and squeezed at Tony's hand, in his effort to stop it from being so cold.

Maybe, at last, Steve’s body warmth would help bring Tony back to breathing properly.

Just maybe.

But then Tony gave in, with the tiniest of exhales, and part of Steve's heart did too.

And the crying got louder. Uglier.

With shoulders shaking from his sobbing, and a feather-light touch to Tony's lids, Steve was no longer faced with Tony’s warm eyes.

And he wouldn’t look at these eyes ever again.

He spared one look at the sky, red and burning with ruins of war, and wished, for one last time that it didn't end like this. And the next minute he attempted telling himself that _it’s okay, Tony will no longer suffer, he can finally rest, Pepper said so herself,_ but to no avail.

This death was too much for Steve to accept. He’d lived a life full of loss, he’d grieved more than he’d felt happy, but this was the final blow.

He let his body go limp to the ground next to Tony, suddenly worn down by the battle, and the aftermath, and _Tony_. All while deep down blaming himself, for not doing enough, for not being there, for not letting it be him instead of Tony, who had so much left to live for.

But Tony was gone.

No matter what, he was gone.

Just like that.

The life of a grand man, taken away. Like it meant nothing.

"He made his choice, Cap," Steve heard Rhodey say, from somewhere above him. "He did it because he wanted to." And if Steve wasn’t so dead set of convincing himself that it was his fault, somehow, Rhodey’s words would help his mourning.

But Steve didn't know how everyone showcased such strength. They seemed to be keeping it together perfectly but he was wrecked.

He felt... dead.

Seventy years in the ice, and this was the only moment he truly thought his heart would stop beating.

It pained him deeply to answer. "He told me it would be great if we didn’t die trying to bring everyone back. He said he couldn't risk losing the life he made these five years."

Steve glanced at Pepper. She wasn't crying, her eyes were devoid of all emotion, but no tears were coming out. Despite that, he could swear that with the slightest movement, her posture would crumble.

Admittedly, Steve felt the same way.

He took in a breath, with whatever effort was still within him. "I should had known he didn't mean it."

It was all over. No take-backs. No do-overs. No ressurections.

It was all irreversibly over. And they had to move on.

But how does one move on after a loss this big?

Sacrifices were always bound to be made, and Steve thought he was always ready for them, because he had no other choice, but being faced with the greatest one of all, he was hit with the realization that it always hurts.

And it’s never fair.

Steve knew that they still had steps to follow in their plan. They had to return their stones to the moment in time where they were taken, but he was numb. And tired.

When was the last time he truly slept?

When was the last time _Tony_ truly slept?

It was only then that Steve really understood how much they’d all been through. Taking one look at his teammates, he could see the empty stares, the exhausted postures. And for those that came back from the snap, the first battle never ended.

It was cruel. And even though Steve’s life too went out the moment Tony’s did, his body begged him for a break.

 _It's not fair,_ he kept thinking. He heard his brain repeating it again and again, like the worst kind of mantra.

_Not Tony. Not him._

Steve was the man out of time, the man with none but a handful of things to keep him alive, yet Tony, who selflessly did so much, who had a family, after years of wanting it, was the one to die.

Willingly, yes, but still. _It’s not fair._

He should had lived to see his daughter grow old and thrive, because she inherited his wit.

He should had lived to grow old, in his house by the lake, while recovering from Thanos one step at a time, like they all would.

He should had died a peaceful death, decades later, because heroes deserve the happiest of all endings.

He should had just _lived_.

And for that precise reason, Steve did the one thing he felt was right.

He got up, mustering all the strength still living inside him. He did it for his team.

He attended Tony’s funeral. He didn’t cry, funerals were for the living. Tony would hate knowing there were tears being shed for him.

And then, he went back in time.

He placed each stone in their rightful place in the timeline. He tied up all loose ends. He gifted his team a peaceful future.

But he never lived it himself. Because he stayed there.

And he didn’t choose to find Peggy, no. If he was still the same man he was ten years ago, he would go to her, and give her the dance he had promised.

But Steve grew. Steve changed.

Steve went back to Tony.

He found a timeline where Tony is alive, and he stayed with him. Just so he could assure that there's only one possible timeline in which Tony dies believing it is the only choice to be made so they could all live.

Steve made the mistake of leaving him once, and it led to death.

So he won’t make that mistake again. As long as Steve’s heart still beats, he’d use it to protect Tony.

And if he died trying, then so be it.

At least Tony got to live.

**Author's Note:**

> I can safely say that I wrote this channeling both my inner hatred for the Russos for ending Tony's life and my deep, deep love for Tony and everything he does (including sacrificing himself).
> 
> But I made Steve feel all that because I love them, so.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed? I guess? Find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/spiderversus) and [tumblr](http://stark-vengers.tumblr.com/) and let me know what you thought.
> 
> (Or leave a comment. I'm a sucker for comments.)


End file.
